Category Archives: Mental Health

Good Times With My Abusers 

When people ask me about how my daily life was when I was living with my biological mother and stepfather they are surprised when I don’t say that everyday was a living hell. I also had very good times in their home, from getting new dogs, you on vacation, and just spending time together. 

I had very good times in their home, along with the abuse. It’s an odd mixture I know, but everyday wasn’t horrible, everyday wasn’t hell, everyday I wasn’t abused. 

The abuse same in spirts, I would be beat, assaulted, screamed at, for a while, then it’d stop for a month or so, then the abuse from my stepfather would start again. 

On the other hand, my biological mother was constantly abusive, but only verbally and mentally. I would be told that my biological father hated me, was replacing me, and didn’t love me. She would tell me how horrible of a daughter I was, she would ask me why I wasn’t like my sisters. 

I’ve thought about this question for a while. “Why can’t you be like you sisters?”  After many years, I finally have an answer, I’m not like Ashley are Erica because I refuse to be walked over, I refuse to be taken advantage of, I refuse to be abused, I refuse to be weak. I’ve watched what my biological mothers a bust has done to my sisters, I’ve watched the negative effects it’s had on them, and I do not want that for me or my children in the future. I will not have them know the abusers I know. They will not like that life. 


Staying strong 

I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I always have people ask me, “how did you beat depression,” “How are you so strong,” and, “wow I feel sorry for you.”  To answer these questions I have to tell you guys a quote: “God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” 

This quote has brought me to where I am today. No, I have not “beat” depression, I battle with it every single day; however, I am not going to give my abusers what they want, they want me to be depressed, feel guilty, feel useless, but I WILL NOT GIVE INTO THEM ANY LONGER. Everyone that’s hurt me in my past always seems to get a small triumph when I’m depressed, and I don’t want that, I don’t want them to have that leverage on me. 

Second, when people ask me how I’m so strong all I think is, “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” I am strong because of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I am strong because he is always here for me, I am strong because I refuse to be weak. I spent numerous years of my life being weak, and I won’t be weak for one more second. 

Third, when people tell me they are sorry for me, it upsets me. I don’t want others to look at me with pity, I don’t want people to baby me because of my past. My past has made me who I am today, and for that I’m more than grateful! If it wasn’t for what happened to me, I wouldn’t be as wise as I am today. I wouldn’t be where I am today I I hadn’t had the past I did. 

In conclusion, I have not “beat” depression, I am strong because that’s the only thing I will be, and I don’t want your pity.  Saying this, I want others to know that I’m proud of what I’ve overcome, I’m proud of my scars, I’m proud because I’m stronger than my past self! 

Publicly Speaking About Rape 

Any form of sexual assault is a very serious subject, and I don’t believe it should be taken lightly. 

If you know some one who has been sexually assaulted, don’t be closed to talking about it because it makes you feel “uncomfortable.” Believe me, if it makes you uncomfortable, they were 1000 times more uncomfortable when it was happening to them. When you refuse to listen and just let them talk you are showing then that they should be ashamed of what happened to them, you are saying they should feel guilty for trying to recover. People will want to talk about it once they are ready. 


Hiding Emotions 

Hiding emotions is something I know all too well. While I lived with my biological mother, I was always taught to keep my emotions to myself because they were invalid being a child’s. One of the few times I told how I felt I got told I was an inconsiderate child and my opinion was just me trying to get revenge and my trying to make my mother miserable. I didn’t truly get to tell my biological mother how I felt until this past Mother’s Day. On this day I told her that I would not wish her a happy Mother’s Day due to the fact that she never acted as my mother. I told her that I had already told the woman I’m proud to call my mom “Happy Mother’s Day.” 

Before that day I almost got the chance to tell her how I felt by reading my Impact Statement outside of the courthouse. I didn’t even get two sentences in when she said, “I don’t  have to, and I never will listen to this.” 

To this day I still haven’t been able to tell her exactly how I feel; however, I have not kept my emotions hidden. My family knows how I feel and they support my feelings and decisions. I do not hide my emotions anymore because I’ve found it to be self-destructive. Everyone on the world has emotions, and every single person has the right to share their emotions.